If You Marry
The Stripper,
Whom Do You Hire
For The Bachelor Party?

Dear Nuisance Lady:

I think my son is going out with a stripper. I’m not 100 percent sure but I have my suspicions. First of all, she looks like a stripper. I know what you’re thinking. But believe me, if it quacks like a duck, it usually is a duck — particularly if it’s got two enormous fake breasts on a skinny little twig of a body.

 Plus she always carries large wads of cash around, very large wads of cash. When I ask my son what she does, he just says that she works in the “tourist” industry. What does that mean? I’ll tell you what it means, it means taking off your clothes and shaking your booty for a bunch of grain salesman from South Dakota.

I just don’t understand it. I raised my son to respect women. Growing up he was always surrounded by smart, independent women with successful careers. I’m an accountant. My sister-in-law’s a doctor. My daughter’s a physical therapist. I don’t understand how my son could choose to date a woman whom he couldn’t possibly respect (who doesn’t even respect herself enough to keep her clothes on). It goes against everything he was raised to believe.

He’s planning on bringing her home for dinner and I’m tempted to tell him that I’d prefer it if he didn’t. My daughter says that will only alienate him and make him more determined to continue seeing her. Maybe she’s right? But I don’t know how I’ll make it through dinner without speaking my mind, which would lead to a whole scene and ruin everybody’s meal.

The Self-Appointed President of MAGS (Mothers Against Stripping)

Dear Self-Appointed:

Better be careful, just because it quacks like a duck with a boob job, fake nails and a penchant for short “fur” jackets doesn’t mean it’s stuffing ten spots down a gold lamé G-string at The House Of Honeys five nights a week.

You don’t want to make the same mistake Aunt Frieda Nuisance did; just because cousin Freddy brought home a girl named Bubbles with 44DD breasts and not much in the brains department, she cried “STRIPPER.”

And, as it turns out, all the yelling and pot roast throwing was for nothing. Bubbles — whose parents happened to be really big fans of the old Lawrence Welk show — was just another nice girl from Great Neck working her way through cosmetology school as a receptionist at an “upscale” liposuction clinic. In other words, you don’t know for certain she’s a stripper. She might just be a little tacky.

But let’s, for a minute, assume she is a stripper.

Why not look on the bright side? Maybe your son truly cares for this girl and has chosen to look beyond her dubious career choice and appreciate her for the wonderful, warm-hearted person she is.

Or maybe he’s like one of those kids raised in an organic apple juice and tofu pups family who goes out and stuffs his face with pop rocks and coke every chance he gets. Or maybe he’s not all that bright himself and finds this girl to be non-threatening.

But either way your daughter is right. Banning the might-be stripper from your house will just alienate your son. Hell, it might even make him run out and buy her a ring.