Raising A Family

Chris Goeken (l.) and Glenn Magpartay with their son Malcolm. Photo by Sarina Finkelstein

Which Dad’s Turn Is It To Diaper?

The couple strolls leisurely down the street taking shifts pushing the infant boy’s carriage. Onlookers, strangers and friends break from their lives to get google-eyed and spew infant jargon; others offer unsolicited parenting advice.

The baby also makes some of the same rounds as his parents, glad-handing at political fundraisers and social gatherings where adults in pristine suits melt to mush.

He’s a cute little baby boy, after all.

The parents alternate rounds on who gets up for those late-night or early-morning feeding/crying/changing sessions. Monitoring an infant is a 24/7 gig, but these parents are loving, nurturing and affectionate people who have waited their entire lives to be caretakers. Each shouldered the rigors of law school, has ascended to professional success and now enjoys the exultation of personal joy.

The parents are two gay men – one a white lawyer whose roots sprouted in New Jersey; the other birthed from traditional Filipino immigrants. And they are raising a black baby.

Do those facts change the perception of anything mentioned above? Does it raise the question of whether or not they are “good” parents? Should it?

A Modern Life

According to Human Rights Campaign Web site, Florida is the only state that explicitly prohibits adoption by gay and lesbian individuals and same-sex couples. Mississippi prohibits same-sex couples from adoption and second-parent adoption. Utah forbids adoption by any unmarried cohabiting couple, thereby discriminating against all same-sex couples.

In New York, however, it is legal for two same-sex partners to adopt a child. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t lingering stigmas associated with the process. Religious groups and most conservatives across the country are staunch opponents of two men or two women raising a child. They claim that the sanctity of traditional marriage is severed, or that children raised by homosexual parents will grow up to become gay.

“I was raised by two straight parents,” said 38-year-old Chris Goeken while holding his adopted son, Malcolm Goeken Magpantay. “Sexual orientation is innate. It is not something that can be learned. It’s absurd and ludicrous to think it is.”

Goeken and partner Glenn Magpantay, 37, are the proud parents of a nearly 7-month-old baby boy. They are in the process of finalizing the adoption and have had Malcolm since he was 4 days old.

“I don’t think I’ve never heard of a case where a gay couple has been abusive of a child,” said Daniel Dromm, a Democratic District Leader (the first openly gay politician in Queens) and a strong advocate for Lesbian Gay Bisexual Transgender rights. They are giving these children, who often are not wanted by other people, an opportunity to have a nice life, he said.

Watching the two men nurture and feed Malcolm is like watching any pair of parents enamored with the idea of caring for a child. That they are two gay men doesn’t seem to cross the minds of most onlookers, and the outpouring of kind words and support from neighbors, friends and family has been genuine, they said.

“It seems to be somewhat unreasonable today to be against gay couples raising children because studies have shown that gay households are some of the safest and richest environments for these children,” Dromm said.

Though they’ve heard horror stories from other gay couples, Magpantay and Goeken haven’t yet run in to any narrow-mindedness from outsiders.

“I think what’s been surprising is that it’s been the opposite in a lot of cases. People get a lot of good emotions when babies are involved,” Goeken said. “They’ve just been so supportive. Neighbors have given us clothes and some have babysat.”

Where the couple runs into inquiries is on the street from strangers. “I get looks about ‘what is this white guy doing pushing a black baby,’” Goeken said. “When we are out together people say, ‘Oh that’s what it is. Now I understand’.”

CChris and Glenn share a kiss, as proud parents often do. Photo by Sarina Finkelstein

Magpantay, an attorney at the Asian American Legal Defense and Education Fund, agreed, saying: “There’s been nothing but support. I hear people asking if they just saw an Asian man with a black baby. The old prejudices about adoption are very much alive. Some very supportive friends I have said very surprising things. It’s not so much being a gay couple as an interracial couple.”

“It’s incredible,” said Magpantay, originally from Jamaica. “It’s the most groovy thing we’ve ever done. He’s a really easy baby. Either we’re really lucky or people hype it up too much. A lot of our friends that complain about parenthood are a little younger.”

Goeken enjoys the morning sunshine Malcolm provides. He doesn’t yet have any pearly whites, but he radiates joy in the morning, which, with a cup of coffee, gets Goeken’s day started.

“The smiles I get are really, really great,” he said. “He’s a late sleeper so I’ll get up and have coffee and I’ll hear him starting to get up. But when I go in he greets me with that big smile, it’s just so amazing.”

“Hopefully, until he’s a teenager, there’ll be nothing but smiles.”

Aside from the first month, when feedings and diaper changings were a round-the-clock thing, the couple has begun to take Malcolm out to social gatherings and leisure activities. Magpantay recently brought Malcolm to the Mayor’s Asian American Heritage Festival at Gracie Mansion. “He was the only baby and he had a great time and others held him,” he said.

“We are very active in the community and we want to continue doing that, but we want him to experience that,” Goeken said. “We don’t want him to be a little bubble boy. It is healthy for him. He was riding the subway when he was 2 months old.”

An Uphill Battle

These liberties would have been unthinkable about 14 years ago when Magpantay and Goeken first crossed paths in Albany before a hearing on budget cuts to public colleges. The two ambitious lawyers got their degrees in Massachusetts – Magpantay from New England School of Law and Goeken from Northeastern – and moved in together in Boston before coming back to New York in the late 1990s.

They pondered marriage in Canada or Massachusetts, but preferred to wait out New York legislation. They are still waiting. A civil union was formalized in September 2005.

Goeken and Magpantay have a domestic partnership agreement, wills and “all the documents where we try to duplicate all the rights that married couples get. Of course we can’t get all of them.”

Goeken’s practice, located in Jackson Heights, specializes in the legalities of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender community. He said that even with wills and health care proxies, they carry around a binder of paperwork in the event of an accident. Still, they only have about 60 percent of legal rights of married couples and just 30 percent of financial rights and inheritances, Goeken said.

That is due in part to the Defense of Marriage Act, which was passed by Congress and signed by Bill Clinton in September 1996. It specifies that no state is forced to recognize a same-sex marriage, nor would it be recognized on a federal level. The same goes for federal government programs.

Some of those legalities trickle into the adoption, which is why the couple decided on Malcolm Goeken Magpantay. If ever a medical situation arose, the decision-making process and red tape could be cut through easier. “It makes service providers more comfortable,” Goeken said. “If a married couple has a child, it’s automatically assumed that they are a guardian.”

Aside from that, the adoption process was simple. They began the process in January, met with the birth mother during the summer, and had Malcolm in November. They instantly clicked with the birth mother after meeting her in a restaurant in Philadelphia. Goeken said it was somewhat atypical.

“It may not seem like a big deal but you are talking about a pretty long legal process,” he said about the adoption process. “It takes about eight to 12 months in Queens County. It’s also expensive. You’re talking about thousands of dollars in legal fees, court fees, adoption fees and you have to have a social worker come to decide if you are good parents. It’s quite intrusive. Oh, by the way, you have to pay for that. Married couples don’t go through that.”

A Bright Future

Goeken and Magpantay are immersed in the world of a toddler, but on the distant horizon questions beckon. The couple will have to answer thorny questions about why Malcolm was adopted, where his mother is and why he has same-sex parents.

“Right now the questions are easy,” Magpantay said. “‘How much formula do you add? Should we change his diaper now or in 10 minutes? Can we drive with him to Boston for three hours?’ Those questions are going to get more complicated.”

Gay or not, Magpantay said they share common fears with all parents: “Are we going to be good parents? Are we going to give him what he needs? That’s the question for all parents.”

Magpantay and Goeken ponder what will happen at PTA meetings or when Malcolm is asked to draw a family tree, but will walk him through it every step of the way. They also want make sure he has strong female role models and is “plugged into African American culture. He might feel like an outsider because he has same sex parents, but we want him to be comfortable with that and who he is and the color of his skin.”

Preparation is the key, but Goeken offered a different view on the looming questions.

“Fifteen years from now, the world will be very different,” he said. “What we think now will be so different. Who knows what it will be like?”