Gay And Sober

Alcoholics Seek Same-Sex Groups

By MICHAEL CUSENZA

Rich had a problem, and he knew it. But he could care less. Matter of fact, he didn’t give a damn about anything. All he could muster up the energy to do was sink into the armchair in his dark living room and stare out into the cruel world, his only source of comfort a rocks glass of scotch, or maybe some tequila, or gallons of beer. Whatever.

“I wasn’t suicidal,” he said, “because to be suicidal you have to care.”

Rich was an alcoholic.

According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, 17.6 million people – about 1 in every 12 adults – abuse alcohol or are alcohol dependent. And, in general, more men than women are alcohol dependent or have alcohol problems. Alcohol problems are highest among young adults ages 18 to 29 and lowest among adults ages 65 and older.

Rich

Rich, a gay man born in Wisconsin and raised in Queens, eventually turned to Alcoholics Anonymous for help.

Founded in 1935 in Akron, Ohio, by Bill W., a New York stockbroker, and Dr. Bob S., an Akron surgeon, AA is defined as an informal society of more than 2 million recovering alcoholics in the United States, Canada and other countries.

The first meeting Rich attended was in 1983 on the Upper East Side in a church basement. He remembered it being very small, only about eight people seated around a large table, some puffing cigarettes, most devouring large pots of coffee.

Rich quickly switched to “all-gay” AA meetings, especially Live and Let Live on the Upper East Side. Sober for nearly 25 years, the 61-year-old resident of East Elmhurst now attends general neighborhood meetings.

“The main difference is in the mind of people going to [the meetings],” he explained. “The reality is – with very, very few exceptions – all AA meetings are totally open to anybody. However, many gay men and women don’t know that, aren’t prepared to believe that or are too fragile with their own sexuality to risk that.”

James M.

James M., 52, born and raised in Jamaica, took his first sip of blackberry brandy at age 16. He escaped drugs and the bottle in 1990 while living in Jackson Heights. He said that gay AA, specifically, was extremely crucial in his recovery.

“I probably would not have gone had there not been gay meetings, because I don’t think I would have been comfortable,” he noted. “I always put it this way: I wasn’t comfortable drinking in straight bars, so I would not have been comfortable getting sober in regular AA meetings.”

Steinway Reform Church in Astoria holds gay AA meetings.

James reasoned that the biggest difference between standard AA and gay AA is security in the environment.

“My understanding of why gay AA meetings started was because people didn’t feel that they were able to be totally honest about themselves in regular meetings,” he said. “You have to be totally comfortable with who you are, what you’ve done and where you’ve come from. In order to recover you have to feel that the people around you understand your particular experience, whatever that may be.”

At regular meetings, James related, some people didn’t want to hear all the intricacies of gay life, and some of the things gay alcoholics did, specifically with regard to sexuality. This was another impetus for the creation of a gay group of the recovery society – so people wouldn’t have to lie about experiences and factors that made them turn to the bottle.

“Years ago, in general meetings, gay alcoholics talking about their sexuality wasn’t tolerated,” he said. “People would have to change pronouns and basically not be truthful about themselves. At some point, people decided, ‘Well that’s just a crock, why don’t we go out and start our own meetings?’ These were sanctioned by co-founder Bill W.”

Contributing Factors

According to the Mayo Clinic, several factors can be considered causes of alcoholism, including genetics, emotional state, psychological factors and social and cultural factors.

High levels of stress, anxiety or emotional pain, or having low self-esteem or depression may lead some people to abuse alcohol. Dan, a recovering alcoholic for the past 18 years, said this definitely applies to the gay community.

“I think internalized homophobia, feelings of worthlessness, probably shame, etcetera, made it a little bit more difficult for me to come to terms with my alcoholism, and to want to put it behind me,” explained the Jackson Heights resident.

“There are a lot of gay people who suffer from low self-esteem,” said James, “by virtue of the fact that we are constantly surrounded by homophobia; we are constantly being told that we are less than other people; we’re told by religious leaders that we’re evil, sick, and sinful. We turn this inward, you grow up learning there’s something wrong with being gay. This definitely has an effect on a person’s self-esteem.”

Dan and James both pointed to the role of gay bars – considered a main hub for social interaction in the gay community – as a tremendous enabling factor. For some, to get the courage to go out socially and begin dating in the gay world they think they need to be fortified with alcohol. Some feel they have to rely on the atmosphere of gay bars and clubs in order to meet people.

“The gay lifestyle itself generally tends to center around events that include alcohol,” James said with a tinge of regret. “There’s a lot of going to bars, there are a lot of parties with alcohol, there are a lot of drugs in the lifestyle. You can’t go to bars that much and not drink a lot. And if you drink a lot, you’re in danger of becoming a problem drinker. It’s that simple.”

Dan said that up until relatively recently there simply was nowhere else to go besides the bars for gays to gather socially. The descent into addiction is inevitable for some.

“If you couldn’t get into gay bars, there were no gay organizations,” he said. “What a wonderful place for a future alcoholic to be. When you go in there you can drown your sorrows and drink – and drown your feelings, more than anything.”

Gay Alcoholics Anonymous meetings have become a safe haven for addicts searching for the comfort of sharing with those of a similar cultural and social background. But just like its parent organization, it is not a cure-all. The alcoholism endemic transcends societal class systems. Addiction does not discriminate.

“Yes, it is a problem within the gay community,” Rich concluded, “but I think it’s a problem in other communities as well.”

To learn more about AA meetings in Queens, go to www.queensaa.org.