The Changing Pulpit
A Lesbian Rabbi Speaks
By Rabbi Valerie Lieber

It seems that almost everyone my generation straight or gay is parenting. In large part the grandparents of children who have two mommies or two daddies have helped foster a huge change in our culture in the past ten years. At least in the Jewish world getting to become a grandparent is better than winning the lottery. Parents who have been loving and supportive of their gay children kvell (brag) about their children and grandchildren to their friends.

Rabbi Valerie Lieber

Other families who had been estranged from their gay children find ways to be more connected when those children have children. Clearly this is far from ideal; it would be a much better world if every parent of gay children loved them just for themselves. Yet in an imperfect world, it behooves us to be pragmatic and accept our victories where we find them. It is almost impossible for Jewish grandparents to be in the closet about their gay and lesbian children once there are baby photos to show. Because they are vocal about their own gay children, grandparents have pushed the closet door open much further in recent years. Today most New Yorkers know somebody who is at least related to someone who is gay or lesbian. More and more gay and lesbian folks have become integrated into family life.

More gay men and lesbians have also been integrated into mainstream religious life as well. When I was first ordained as a rabbi 13 years ago, I was still professionally closeted. I gained the affection and trust of the members of my Brooklyn congregation and came out gradually. When my contract was up for renewal, it was the straight parents of the Hebrew School who came in force to vote to renew the contract. They had no problem with my teaching and guiding their sons and daughters. They saw me as a worthy role model. When I was later hired at Temple Israel of Jamaica in Queens, I began out of the closet. Again, some of my greatest support came from parents of children who saw me as a good, inspiring rabbi. Just a few weeks ago I was hired to be the Education Director at a Conservative congregation in Brooklyn. For years the Conservative movement struggled with ordaining gay and lesbian rabbis and just a year ago agreed to ordain. One year later, the search committee for the leader of their Hebrew School batted not an eyelash when I told them I am a lesbian. My, how much has changed so fast.

While gay and lesbian people have moved giant mountains on our own gaining rights, acceptance and opportunities, it is also our straight allies and families who have done so much to help in recent years. I believe it is the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and siblings who will be key to the next phase gaining of gay rights in New York State: the right to marry. Grandparents don't want their children to have to jump through hoops and pay vast fortunes to adopt the children whom they already consider their grandchildren. Grandparents don't want their children to be shut out of the rights to get insurance, pension benefits, hospital visitation and inheritances. Grandparents want the government to give their gay children the same rights and privileges that their straight children enjoy. That is the single biggest reason I think the right to marry is around the corner.

Thanks to my mom and so many others like her, we in the GLBT community don't have to do all the heavy lifting by ourselves. We are part of families who are fighting alongside us.