The Schenkler Stop Smoking Program

By MICHAEL SCHENKLER

This column was written by me some fourteen years ago when my wife Lil was pregnant with Allison. It originally ran in the Tribune on Jan. 12-18, 1989. This chronicles the steps that I used to successfully stop smoking fourteen years ago.  I share it with you now that the new City smoking regs may serve as motivation for some of you to take the big step. Our Associate Editor Stephen McGuire has taken a copy and started stopping. If you should see Stephen (pictured right) with cigarette in hand, call the Trib.

If you intend to stop, send us your name MSchenkler@Queenstribune.com;  we’ll try to send back some words of wisdom and perhaps a coupon.

“No, I have not done it. I’m about to. And you’re all invited to join in. It’s the Schenkler Stop Smoking Program and you’re sure to be a winner.

It’s a little of this program, a little of that one and a lot of motivation. And it works.

Point One: We shouldn’t smoke.

It just isn’t good for us. We’ve known this for years. They’ve been printing it on packs of cigarettes and shouting it on the airwaves. Recently, non-smokers have been speaking up and governmental regulations have been closing in around us. Whether we resent it or not, one point is clear, smoking is just no good.

Point Two: We have a right to smoke.

The civil libertarian in me rebels against all those non-smoking crazies who try to invade my space. The government can regulate away, but if they don’t have the goddamn courage to outlaw tobacco, they shouldn’t get into the argument.

Hey, if smoking is so bad, outlaw the sale of cigarettes. But R.J. Reynolds, Philip Morris and friends have a lot more clout than any Surgeon General. The issue is just not considered. It’s another case of the almighty buck having the final say. So they don’t even attempt to address the real issue and they print warnings and pass harassing laws and allow insurance companies to raise rates for smokers. If something is poison, they normally stop its sale. We are getting mixed messages. It is the government’s fault that we smoke.

If they can do the job right, they should go save America by controlling air pollution and stay off our backs.

So, to reiterate point two, we are not stopping because of harassment, governmental warnings or regulations. This is America. We are doing this because it is good for us. Got that, so get off my back.

Point Three: We want to stop.

We are going to stop because we know it is in our own best interest. Everybody repeat: “I’m going to stop smoking because it is in my best interest.”

Nonsense! You can’t do it for a loved one; you gotta do it for yourself.

Rules and regulations won’t stop us. Smokers are strong people, not weak. After all, we stare cancer in the eye, without flinching, more than 20 times everyday.

Okay, so we want to stop. How do we do it?

Point Four: Motivation!

It’s the answer to almost every challenge in life. Motivation you can realize almost immediately. Not if it means you’ll live another two hours 30 years from now. It’s more like if you quit smoking, you’ll get that car, trip, raise, gift, or lots of money – just about anything you want.

That’s right, if you are successful, if you stop smoking, you will be rewarded with one or more things you’ve always wanted – big things, important things, expensive things, exotic things, erotic things, anything you want. Besides that, you want to and remember, “I’m going to stop smoking because it is in my best interest.

Now, how do we go about getting you these great rewards for doing something you want to do any way?

Point Five: You ask.

You ask all those people who either bother you about smoking or those who you know want you to stop.

Hey mom, you prepared to go for a 45-inch+ projection TV? Put up or shut up. How about the in-laws? There’s this Royal Doulton toby mug of Mephistopheles (small size with a verse on bottom) costs $900-$1,000. Peter, Phyllis – small price to pay to get me to stop smoking. Lil, I’ll negotiate with you in private.

Then, there’s Barbara, she complains the most. And Steve, you comment every time I light up. What are you guys willing to go for? And Dave, you’re all talk. Let me see you put some real bucks on the line.

Hey, anyone else that wants me to stop, write quick. I can use the motivation.

That’s all there’s to it. Just ask.

You can do the same thing. Just give or send a copy of this column to anyone and everyone in your life and let them use the coupon below to motivate you. You might want to fill in the coupon for someone. But, if they care about you, they’ll make it count; not some dumb little offering. Motivation has got to be big and strong and expensive. Or it’s gotta be something greatly desired. Everyone has their price. Let them know yours.

Mayor Koch, you want me to stop smoking. You promise not to run again.

Everyone you ask won’t agree, but many will. And just think of all the loot and goodies you can acquire for doing something you already want to. Remember, “I’m going to stop smoking, because it is in my best interest.”

I’ve given a few friends a preview of this program, here is what their coupons will read:

Gary, Rita wants a mink (but she insists that they not kill any animals to make it).

Dave expects a new bay window from his folks and professional driving lessons (he need them, I’ve seen him drive) from Walter and Rita. And his ego demands recognition for the accomplishment. So I promise to print it here when he stops.

Marie wants a cruise and patio furniture. Jimmy, it’s your move.

You get the idea. Ask; ask big; ask everyone.

My turn – in addition to everything requested above, I know, there are friends, family and readers out there that want me to be successful with my effort. I need motivation! Please help. Fill out the coupon below, make your offering exciting, attractive, and generous (don’t worry, I like everything) and mail it to me: Mike Schenkler. Queens Tribune, 46-25 Kissena Blvd., Flushing, NY 11355.

Your turn – photocopy this column and coupon and get it to a batch of people. Don’t be afraid to ask big.

Send me a copy of what you’ve been able to extort. I think sharing stories may help us stop.

Then wait till you’re successful, collect the goodies and write me a letter of thanks. Or better yet, I’ll take 10 percent (after all, miracle programs that work are worth a lot).

Point Six: Quitting is hard work – Phase it out.

Hints – Quitting is not so easy. It requires commitment and resolve. But the rewards are worth it. Feel free to use gimmicks.

Feel free to supplement this program with every and any other one.

Take pills, use a pacifier, get hypnotized, take a course – do whatever turns you on. Do them all or don’t do any of them.

Phase it out. While you’re going around getting commitments, start cutting back. Insert a small slip of paper into the pack. Use it to count your cigarettes. You might want to record times of each cig. But make a conscious effort to decrease the number of cigarettes. At least, be aware whenever you take one.

Change brands. Buy one of the low tar and nicotine cigarettes. My son calls it smoking belly button lint.

Don’t carry your pack as you always did. If they were in your shirt pocket or pocketbook, put them in your coat. Don’t take them to the bedroom at night and don’t have them at your side when you watch TV. Leave them in some remote corner of the house. You’ve got to walk to get one.

Tell everyone around you that you’re cutting back. Seek advice and reinforcement.

Don’t be afraid to eat. Next year I’ll publish my weight loss program.

After spending a week or two cutting back (under 10 a day, cigarettes are going to make you feel slightly sick. Stopping will not be as hard.

Avoid the pressure of stopping immediately. Set your target date far enough into the future to get commitments from everyone possible. Then actually stop at least a week before your target date. You’ll appreciate the breathing room.

Staying stopped, however, is real tough. So take your list of rewards and carry them where you carried your pack and every time you want a cig, reach for your list. Some prefer a photo of a child; me, I go for the gold.

Point Seven: Collecting The Goodies

When have you won? If you have managed to stop and stay stopped for four months, as far as I am concerned, you’ve got to be an idiot to go back.

Me, I am going to stop before Feb. 1, and I’ll collect my goodies on June 1. So start saving up. “I’m going to stop smoking because it is in my best interest.”

And any Trib staff member who stops by May 1, and stays smoke free till Sept 1, I’ll give $100. Just come in and get me to sign a coupon. (I expect the money back if you start smoking again).

Looking forward to hearing from you. I’d like to print some of your stories.

Good luck!  

Mail or give this to everyone who you think wants to help you. (Fill in the blanks, if you wish.)

Please help me to stop smoking by providing me with the needed motivation as explained in the attached column. Kindly fill in the coupon below (unless I took the liberty of filling it in for you), sign it and return it to me.

Thanks for your help.

Dear_____________________________,

                 (your name)

If you stop smoking and remain absolutely smoke free from __________ till___________, I promise that I’ll: (buy you, give you, blank you).

______          ____________________________
(Date)                          (Signature)